다라 일기

“You look pretty today too, Sandara-ssi.”

“Thank you.”

That’s all I could say when somebody gives me compliment. When you receive the same kind of treatment everyday, aren’t you getting tired with that?

My day. My boring day. My usual boring day.

The sky looks like provoking me when I look at them. Why are them so wide and clear. Even when I look at them, they have many things stick together to fill the space. Then… how about my heart?

“Sandara-ssi! We are going to take the scene now, get ready.”

“Ne.” I forced myself to answer the staff with a bright smile that I always send to people, but honestly, I want someone to realize how empty my smile was. Today, I had to shoot some scene for my upcoming drama; I should be professional enough to change my mood in a drastic time. Though, I really hate being fake to myself but as I learn to be an actress, no matter how sad you are you still have to smile in front of people, and so as a performer, no matter how sick you are, you still have to lift your head up and face everyone who leans their hope to you…

“What is that? A smile? Looks like a fool.”

This guy again. He is my partner in this drama but there is something I couldn’t hide from him. It makes me dislike him. It makes me want to run and hide from him. Whenever I’m being fake to myself  he looks like can feel it through my pain. It makes me want to break myself and leans on him… I hate it…

“Kim Kyu Jong-sunbaenim, let’s do our best for today too.” I stressed the word sunbaenim to provoke him. However, he is my senior. I still respect him. It just his action that make me thinks I should build a wall between us.

“Please don’t use that smile when you talk to me.”  He whispers to me.

I have to run from him….

“Cut!”

The director keeps saying that for some hours now. I know there must be something wrong on my acting. I did my best, though. But, why can’t I?

“Okay, let’s take a break now.”

The staffs let out a deep sigh. I know they must be really disappointed with me. I know they must be thinking an Idol shouldn’t get into an acting field. I know their stare are pulling me down… Eomma, what should I do?

“Well, I already know this would happen.” Kyujong sunbae’s voice breaks through my deep thoughts. I look at him when he decides to sit beside me. It’s the scene that I have to look at him with “love”. But, how could I do that when I don’t have any feel near to “love”?

“You dislike me?” He mocked me.

“No… I’m not.” I answered him the best I could.

“Or you don’t have any love experience? You’ve been dating, have you?” He looked at me with that stare. A stare which I hate the most.  A stare that could break the wall I’ve built between us… I refused to look at him and looking at my shoes instead when he takes a deep breath.

“Let’s do something.”

I was shocked when he suddenly pulled my hand and dragged me away from the filming location. What the heck this guy is going to do with me?

“S-sunbaenim, what are you doing?” I tried to release my hand from his grip but he really locked my hand tightly and keeps dragging me away to walk with him.

“Let’s have a date.’

Huh?

HUH?

A DATE?!

IS HE KIDDING ME?!?

“A… A date?!” I could see a smirk on his face because I know he is doing this to tease me. “Sunbaenim… you must be joking, right?” I flushed a fake usual bright smile to him when he suddenly stopped and turned around in front of me which making me more surprised.

“I really hate this smile.” He stretched my cheeks. I couldn’t even fight him back. “I will make a pure smile flashes from your face.” He look at me straightly again with that stare. He dragged my hand again and keep making me followed him. That stare made me lost my words every time.

He stopped by at an ice cream shops. He dragged my hand again and led me to go through the glasses door which automatically moved aside when you passed it. The shop is filled with lovers, like I expected. I still have no idea what is his purpose with dragging me into this kind of “date” he said.

“What flavor do you like?” He asked me while still holding my hand.

“Strawberry…”

“Alright, one strawberry and vanilla.”

He led me again to the empty seat on the corner of the shop near the window. The seat is maroon colored with feather onto it which making the seat comfortable to you spending your boring day only by shopping an ice cream. I looked through the window when I saw people walking around the street as time goes by, doing their own activities. I sometimes wonder if I would be look like them if I’m not and idol. Doing only the same routine every day which maybe will be much boring than being in the glamorous life I had.

“You shall only look at your boyfriend when you are having a date.” Kyujong sunbae sit beside me. He sometimes is scary for me because it seems that he could read my mind by only looking at my eyes.

“Who is my boyfriend?” I look at him confusedly.

“Who else? Me.” He grabbed my hand and laces his fingers with mine tightly. I would give him a big applause for acting successfully as my boyfriend if only he didn’t lock my hand. I looked at his hand that wrapped my hand perfectly. Somehow, it overwhelmed me. His hand is big and warm…

Wait. What did I think about? I can’t lose to him.

I released my hand and pushed my face away from him. This is bizarre. How could I let him controlling me? I should have been more careful with his next action toward me. This is just a fake date; I won’t let myself get drowned with him.

“Just relax. How could you make that face when you are dating?”  He laughed at me.

Ugh. He underestimated me. Okay, I will follow his game.

“A date huh…Okay, we are dating.” I flushed a smirk on my face. Enough to threaten him, I hope. He looked surprised to see me challenging the game he was starting. He seemed to enjoy this “date” judging by how happy he is when I said I will follow the game or… is he really happy dating with me?

“Just enjoy it.” He said while smiling like he could read my mind, as always. I ignored him by now when the ice creams we ordered being served in front of us. I will worry about him later. As for now, I couldn’t reject ice cream that calling my hunger. I’m too much drowned eating ice cream till I didn’t realize his eyes are observing me.

“What?” I examined his expression that keeps monitoring me like I am a kind of a prison. He bends his body toward me and moves his face inch and inch closer to me.  Suddenly, he put his hand and wipes the corner of my lips from the ice cream which I left on my lips.

What kind of feeling is this…. Why my heart is beating fast…. That stare again…. I really can’t win from that stare… what I should do when he stares at me like that….

I closed my eyes. I’m really scared of that stares. He could break the wall which I built this long to protect me from people’s eyes looking deeply to my heart.

“Ya, babo-ya.” Kyujong flicked my forehead when I feel something discomfort roaming around my skin. He chuckled. I opened my eyes again and I could see him eating his ice cream while enjoyed teasing me. I shouldn’t let my guard down again. Nevertheless, this fake date is a game he is playing on me. I couldn’t lose to him.

“By the way, even though you are my senior, I am older than you. You should call me noona!” I tried to fight him back. He chomped on his spoon and looks like he was measuring something on his mind whilst looking at me after I declared that.

“Sirheo.” Said him as I could detect from him that he was…. Laughing embarrassedly?

“Why?” I didn’t expect him to be like that since I request him to call me noona.

He took a glimpse on me whereas he placed his hand on my head and messed my hair. “Sandara-ssi.” He called me with a low voice.

Once again… my heart beating so fast…

“L-let’s go from here!” I demanded him. I feel like my cheeks are burnt. I should move to calm my heart. Leaving him with his ice cream I ran away from him. Passing by the automatic glasses door I keep running forward. What’s wrong with my heart? I keep proceeding forward until kyujong pull my hand and that was when I realized I was running toward the traffic. I was ended on his hug as I could remember because that sudden situation was shocked me. If he didn’t pull me I would be dead by now when cars could hit my all-bones body.

“Are you really that stupid?!” he shrieked at me without expression. My heart keeps beating fast that I couldn’t control it even more. What is this…? Am I fallen for him..?

“Let’s go back to the filming set. It’s too dangerous running around without direction. I think our break time nearly over too.” He holds my hand in a gentle way, different from the first time he dragged me with a sudden announcement we were going to date.

I decided to agree with him. I followed him. When I look at his back, it’s wide and….. Feels like someone you could lean on. Why…. Why do I feel strange on my mind…. Why do I feel jealous at the same time… why my heart can’t calm…?

It’s our scene now. I have to show my happy face with my role being his lover. I look at him sincerely. Smile at him sincerely. Even though this all are scripted but why did I wished this all true?

“Next scene!” the director shouted at us as soon as we are moving to the back of the building when kyujong cornered me and we will have our kissing scene.

This all are scripted…

I couldn’t stop myself to preserve that all his action toward me completely because he had to do that. Other person writes the story. Other person demands us to be like this. This all not true.  But why….

He stares at me again. The stares that keep breaking the wall I’ve built. He is the only one which could see through my eyes. He is the only person that could realize my true heart.  He is the one I fall for…. The time seems to be in synch with all my wishes. He proceeds to get closer to my face through inches. I could look directly into his eyes. The eyes that overwhelmed me. The eyes that feels surreal. But this all are scripted… would he still doing this toward me if we aren’t subjected to stand each other?

I couldn’t help myself and let the tears dropping on my cheeks.

“I love you…” he spoke to me in a very gentle way. That’s all his dialogue on the script. He rests his hand on my cheeks as I could feel his big hand wiping my tears. How I wish this all true… how I wish I could trust that sentences….

It’s all naturally. All things I did naturally. I loved him. I realized I had a feel for him. I closed my eyes and feel his lips touching my lips. It was warm…. how I wished the time would stop… I can feel the softness of his lips. He pressed his lips against me deeper as if he is asking me to trust him. I replied his kiss by pressing my lips deeply against him. I loved the feel.  Has it always been this comfortable being with him..?

“Cut!” the director gave us a big round applause. I slowly opened my eyes and look at his face closely when he pulled his face back from my face while keep smiling gently with that stare.it looks like he was satisfied with my acting. But… that wasn’t even acting…. None of them was an act….

It’s end. Our time is over. The scene was success. That was the last scene. I should back to reality. That’s true, all people here only doing their work. Neither of them let their individual feeling crush their art. That’s all. It won’t be the same anymore. I steal a glimpse at Kim Kyu Jong when he was talking to the director. What should I do now… it’s all over…

“Good work today. Thank you for your hard work.” He messed my hair. After that, his manager was calling him and the only thing I could see was his back. Quickly, I ran over my van to look for a pen and a paper. I rushed toward him before he was gone from my sight. I stopped him before he could get inside his manager’s car.

“Sunbaenim, thank you for everything.” I bowed to him as my last sentences to him. I gave him the note I wrote down on the van. After changing smile to him, I ran back to my van because my manager called me. It’s all end. But, I will treasure these feelings forever.

Kyujong apparently being startled toward my sudden action then he got back to his car calmly with the paper I gave to him. He sat on the passenger seat in the time he read my note:

Kim Kyu Jong, I love you…

He smiled after reading that sentence. A bright smile which could be seen from the face recognizes my true self. He satisfied.

-the end-